I have some interesting news: The real first lady of the United States of America is Stormy Daniels.
I’ve gone over this in my mind, backward and forward, and basic logic dictates that I’m right.
Hear me out:
Donald Trump is president of the United States.
Stormy Daniels, whose real name is Stephanie Clifford, is an adult-film actress who claims she had a sexual relationship with Trump. Her claim is supported by a now public non-disclosure agreement, a $130,000 hush-money payment that Trump’s attorney made to her, and the simple fact that a sexual relationship with someone named Stormy Daniels sounds like the most Donald Trump thing Donald Trump could ever do.
The allegation is that Trump had “an affair” with Daniels while married to alleged current first lady Melania Trump. That seems hard to believe.
Sex out of wedlock is a sin. It says so in the Bible: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”
Evangelical Christians love the Bible and hate sin.
Evangelical Christians also love Trump. They voted for him overwhelmingly in the 2016 election and, according to a recent Washington Post-ABC News poll, are giving him about a 70 percent approval rating.
So if evangelicals hate sin and love Trump, then Trump cannot be a sinner. That’s because the Bible, which, as previously mentioned, evangelicals hold in rather high regard, is clear on the overall badness of hypocrisy.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus called out religious hypocrites over and over, saying, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the door of the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces.”
“Woe to you, blind guides,” Jesus railed, later continuing: “You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?”
It’s pretty straightforward. Hypocrisy = bad.
Now consider how evangelicals reacted to President Bill Clinton’s extramarital relationship with Monica Lewinsky.
James Dobson of Focus on the Family wrote in September 1998: “As it turns out, character DOES matter. You can’t run a family, let alone a country, without it. How foolish to believe that a person who lacks honesty and moral integrity is qualified to lead a nation and the world!”
Gary Bauer, head of the Family Research Council at the time, wrote: “The seamy facts under public discussion are shameful enough. But fascination with this story should not be allowed to obscure the deeper lesson these incidents impart. That lesson is this: Character counts — in a people, in the institutions of our society, and in our national leadership.”
And Richard Land, president of the Southern Baptist Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission, said Clinton “has lost the moral authority and the trust necessary to govern. He has fallen below the threshold of what is necessary to be able to effectively serve in office.”
We’ve established that hypocrisy is a no-no. So there’s no way Trump-loving evangelicals are going to be hypocritical. And in order for them to not be hypocritical, Trump can’t be a sinner (remember, they despise sin), and in order for Trump to not be a sinner, his alleged sexual relationship with Stormy Daniels could not have been out of wedlock.
And that can mean only one thing: Trump and Daniels are husband and wife, and Daniels is our first lady.
I, for one, welcome her. To be honest, the person we previously thought was first lady hasn’t seemed too fond of the job.
Which brings us to a big question: Who is Melania Trump and why has the president been co-habitating with her at the White House while ignoring Daniels, his actual spouse?
The answer is quite simple. It’s an act of selfless compassion.
Melania Knauss first came to America in the mid-1990s, pursuing a modeling career. She was an immigrant looking for a new home.
She began “dating” Trump in 1998, and in 2001 was miraculously granted a green card under the EB-1 program, reserved for immigrants with “extraordinary ability.” The couple was “married” in 2005 and she obtained U.S. citizenship in 2006.
Why would Trump go to such lengths to help this Slovenian immigrant?
For that answer, we turn back to the Bible: “You must not oppress foreigners. You know what it’s like to be a foreigner, for you yourselves were once foreigners in the land of Egypt.”
Trump is, as his evangelical supporters say, a good Christian. So he engaged in a sham relationship with Melania Knauss to help her become a citizen. Trump’s present anti-immigrant rhetoric is merely a ruse to distract from his remarkable act of near-biblical kindness.
The two were never intimate, of course. That would be sinful, since Trump, as we’ve now established, was in a committed relationship with Daniels. (Melania and Donald Trump’s alleged son, Barron, is actually a 43-year-old crisis actor playing the role of a lifetime.)
The logic here is airtight. Stormy Daniels has to be our first lady.
If she’s not, Trump’s evangelical supporters have some explaining to do.
Because as a very wise man once said, “Woe to you, blind guides.”
–Rex Huppke, chicagotribune.net
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